Hello dearies, Esmelia Sniff here: celebrity witch, famous Ouija personality, and star of literature. It’s Halloween again and this year them charming folks at Pretty Opinionated have asked me to write a seasonal message to all their readers. I was getting bored of picking my nose anyway, so I thought to myself, “why not, my old love? It’s Halloween after all – a time for treats – and what greater treat could there possibly be for them denizens of the interweb than a personal message from lovely old Esmelia?”
So, where was I? Oh yes: Halloween, my favorite time of the year. Spines are chilling and gooses are bumping as the witching night approaches. There’s mist a-creeping through the graveyards, bats a-flitting across the moon, and a foul stench in the air (probably the curried toad I had for lunch). Vampires are flossing and the dead are walking abroad (which is nice I always says – it does a body good to get some fresh air and exercise). Yes indeed, witches and Halloween go together like… well, like pins and little wax figures of people what have never read any of my books. It’s not quite the same these days, though, is it? Halloween’s changed since I was a young witch with the hairs just sprouting on my very first wart.
Back in the good old days witches knew how to celebrate Halloween. There’d be a big coven meeting; bonfires, cackling over a midnight cauldron, a scabbiest legs competition, broomstick demonstrations, and summoning up the spawn of the black pit for a game of bingo. The fun we used to have at the stick-your-head-in-a-goat stall! Then we’d let off a few spells just for japes and giggles. I can still hear the croaking. By midnight everyone would be hiding under the kitchen table, too scared to go out in case they got befrogginated.
Happy days, they was. Not like now when the only screams you get is screams of laughter. Depressing, I calls it.
It’s today’s young witches I blame. Nowadays, your witches are hopeless: a bunch of la-di-da, incense-burning, chakra-balancers who’d rather weave organic muesli than hex the neighbors ‘til their bottoms fall off. Your modern witches seems to think witchcraft is about healing crystals and respecting the leaf goddess and blah blah blah di blah. What a load of rubbish. That ain’t witchcraft. Witchcraft is poking people in the eye then swirling your finger around. It’s hairy chins, pointy hats, and raggedy black dresses. It’s tumbledown cottages in the middle of the woods, snails nesting in your hair, and generally behaving like an evil-smelling crone with a withered, black heart and a face like a bag of spanners. A proper witch doesn’t read your aura: a proper witch puts the evil eye on your pig and pinches your wallet. It’s traditional, that.
It’s a shame is what it is, but you has to look on the bright side. These days Halloween is all about the kiddies, ain’t it? Even for a hag’s hag such as myself it’s heart-warming to see all them rosy-cheeked young cherubs dressed up and sparkly eyed, going from house to house with their bags of candy. “Trick or treat,” they shout when I opens the cottage door. Well, what can a witch do? I claps my hands together and says, “Bless my soul. Come right on in my little darlings, Esmelia’s got a treat for you alright. What’ve I got in this sack then? Why, it’s a packet of sage and onion stuffing and a bonk on the head!”
Three hours at a medium temperature and you’ve got yourself a holiday feast. Now that’s what I calls a real Halloween treat.
So, there you has it, I hopes you all discover the true meaning of Halloween and have a truly horrible night. In the meantime, I sees there is comment boxes below. Come and say “hello” to old Esmelia and, if you crosses my palm with silver, I might tell you your fortune or something. If you ain’t got silver I am quite partial to a pickled newt.
Unhappy Halloween my lovelies.
The Tumbledown Cottage
About Witches at War!
The Wickedest Witch (From Amazon): The headline in The Cackler is grim. Old Biddy Vicious, the Most Superior High and Wicked Witch and owner of the Black Wand of Ohh Please Don’t Turn Me Into Aaaaarghhh…Ribbett is dead. But witches like their news on the dark side and there is great anticipation in the witching world. After all, there will need to be a new leader and a diabolical competition to find out who is to become the new Most Superior High and Wicked Witch. Esmelia Sniff fancies her chances, after all she is exceedingly wicked and has warts in all of the right places. As she and her surprisingly cheerful apprentice, Sam, set off to find three other witches to nominate her for the job, the meanest and the baddest witches in the world are hatching their own devious plan to become The Wickedest Witch.
All three books can be purchased on Amazon using the handy dandy little widget below.