Sal and I went to see Evil Dead last night. We haven’t been to the movies in a while and it was the only thing that we both wanted to see. The original was the first horror movie I ever watched all the way through, so I thought it would be fun to see the remake. Let’s just say we weren’t entirely impressed with it and leave it at that. On the drive home (a 20 minute drive in a rather dark area), I had to entertain myself somehow so I didn’t start imagining scary things jumping out in the middle of the road. I started thinking about all the reasons why I had nothing to worry about, then all the ways in which any normal, even mildly sane person could survive a horror movie. Here is what I came up with.
Very simple tactics to avoid getting slaughtered by a monster, madman, dead, or undead creature
- Don’t vacation in dilapidated cabins in the woods with only road way out, huge creepy hotels/mansions/castles with a history of death and mayhem, or any place that has been abandoned for more than ,oh say, three days. Instead, choose to vacation in well-lit places with lots of living people around!
- Don’t move into houses previously owned by mass murderers.
- DO NOT read spells from books with covers made of human flesh. Ever. Ever ever. Ever. Especially if said book is wrapped in barbed wire with notes throughout written in blood screaming “do not read out loud!” It’s just common sense.
- If you ignore the first piece of advice and do happen to vacation in a dilapidated cabin or otherwise creepy house, the moment you see dead things hanging from the ceiling, blood coming out of elevators, or rooms appearing out of nowhere, leave. These are never good signs.
- Already ignored all my advice and now you’re getting hunted down by demonic forces? Stay out of the freaking basement! Attics are usually not a good idea either. If you avoid these two places, you’ll practically double your chances of survival!
- Your friend with the glowing red eyes speaking in tongues and threatening to eat your soul has not simply gone crazy. Reasoning with him will not end well. He is now a member of the forces that are trying to get you and should be treated as such.
- Don’t split up. That’s just asking to be picked off one by one.
- Always check your back seat before you get in the car. Do not check the back seat after you have already started driving. A) You’re not looking at the road, so when you turn back, something creepy will be standing there (or, you know, you’ll crash into a tree) and B) by then it’s too late anyway, and everyone knows the creepy things don’t get you until you actually turn around!
- Finally, and possibly most importantly, never assume the killer/monster is dead just because it looks dead. It always comes back to life at least once. It would be a shame to survive a horror movie all the way through only to get picked off at the end because you fell for the old “I’m dead” trick.
So there you have it! Simple tricks to survive a horror movie. Did I miss any?